4 Steps to Transform Conflict Into Intimacy

Imagine you come home from work after another long, tough day. You’ve spend 10 hours busting it, and you’re exhausted. All you want to do is get a quick workout in, have dinner, and go to bed.

But when you arrive home, your wife needs you to help with the laundry while she cooks dinner. And the kids need help with their homework. You feel resentment and frustration rise as you help with family duties instead of getting your gym time in — again.

Now you’re in the conflict zone. And it’s extra dangerous because you’re exhausted and your nerves are wearing thin.

What do you do?

I want you to take a moment and imagine a frustrating situation similar to this one that repeats itself in your relationship.

What’s your usual response?

Is it working for you? Is it getting you the result you want for your life and partnership?

Of course, if you consistently manage conflict in an unhealthy way, whether by avoiding it or being aggressive — you will experience strain in your relationship that builds up over the years.

But, in every conflict there is also opportunity for intimacy, connection, understanding, and compassion — everything that makes relationships fulfilling.

Conflict is absolutely essential to effective partnership. And with the right skills and tools, you’ll see conflict as an opportunity to build relationships, rather than tear them apart.

Here are a few tools for healthy conflict management for great partnership.

Set a good time

Set aside a time for your conversation when you’re moderately rested, relaxed, and have had a little distance from the conflict. Put it on the calendar. Minimize distractions.

You know when people say, “building trust takes time?” This is the kind of time it takes.

Don’t be driving, watching TV, or cooking.

Instead, go for a walk, or go out to dinner. Focus on each other. Look each other in the eyes. Allow yourselves to sync up.

Set your intention

Be very clear about your intention for the conversation.

Before your conflict conversation, identify your intention within yourself. What is it you really want to create in your relationship, and in your life?

Set the stage

A great way to set the stage is by sharing your intention.

You could say something like, “My intention for this conversation is to create honest connection with you. I want to talk about this and resolve it because I care about you, and I care about us. I believe this is an opportunity to grow together.”

Being crystal clear from the beginning that your purpose is to deepen and grow your relationship creates a safe container for the entire conversation.

Have the conversation

One classic method for healthy conflict management is called nonviolent communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg beginning in the 1960s.

The steps are simple and powerful. Let’s explore:

Step 1: Observation

This is where your emotions and stories take a backseat while you state the facts. Facts are things that you saw, heard, smelled, tasted, and imagined. In this step, you’re stating out loud to your partner the things that you observed in your experience that did not support your well-being.

You’re not adding your evaluations or interpretations, yet. Just facts.

For example:

“When I see the laundry undone…”

“When I have the experience of skipping the gym…”

“When I skip the gym for 3 days in a row…”

In this step, focus on what actually happened.

If you say, “When you made me skip the gym…” or “When I see that you’ll never have the laundry done by the time I get home…” you’re already adding stories and interpretations to the mix.

Start by stating only the facts.

Step 2: Feelings

Express your feelings about what you observe. Now you get to tell your partner about the emotions you’re experiencing.

For example:

“… I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, annoyed, angry, bitter…”

This is powerful. Identifying your emotions and expressing them helps you create distance from them. They’re inside you, but they’re not controlling you.

IMPORTANT:

Take responsibility for your feelings. Nothing and no one else can make you feel anything. As Eleanor Roosevelt is credited with saying, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” You can replace “inferior” with “angry,” “sad,” “resentful,” or any other emotion.

Although it’s tempting to blame others when we feel dark emotions, they’re all yours. Once you claim them, you also claim your power in the situation.

TIP:

You can ask your partner to hold space while you express your feelings. Let her know it’s not about her. You’re not blaming her for your feelings. You’re taking full responsibility for what’s going on within you as you express them.

Step 3: Needs

Share the underlying need or value that’s not being met.

At the core of nonviolent communication is “the awareness that all human beings are only trying to honor universal values and needs, every minute, every day.

What is your deep, human need that hasn’t been met?

For example

“…because I need exercise”

“…because I need time alone”

“…because I need independence”

“…because I need respect”

Step 4: Request

State the concrete actions that you would like taken to meet your need.

For example:

“Would you be willing let me do the laundry after I go to the gym?”

“Would you be willing to help me go to bed an hour earlier, so I can go to the gym before work?”

“Would you be willing to hire someone to do the laundry so I can have my hour of exercise?”

“Would you be willing to hire a tutor, so I can have one hour of independent time?”

Now you’re in the land of possibilities with your partner. Your need is clear, so how can you work together to meet it, as well as to meet her needs?

IMPORTANT:

A request is not a demand.

A request is a respectful assertion of a need, while being open to the response. You might make a request to which your partner says, “no,” or “not now,” or “I don’t know.” There’s room for negotiation — space for hearing your partner’s needs as well, and creating a win-win solution.

A demand, on the other hand, is imposing. It’s disrespectful, and it leaves no room for any response other than your desired result. A demand leaves no room for listening or negotiating. A demand leads to a win-lose situation, and asserts that your needs are more important that your partner’s.

Using the four steps of nonviolent communication will transform your relationship when you use them consistently.

If this is brand new to you and your partner, I recommend that you go through the steps together first, so you’re both prepared to have this kind of conversation. You might not get it right the first time, and that’s okay.

If you both have the intention to grow together, support each other, and create a fulfilling partnership, that intention will emanate through everything you say.