It’s Time to Start Investing Consciously in Your Relationship
Is it worth spending the resources this year to address lingering issues in your relationship with your significant other?
Building a fulfilling love relationship might be one of the biggest challenges you ever face.
It can also be one of life’s most rewarding pursuits.
When you choose to do the work, whether by engaging in a book like Dr. Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight, talking to a relationship coach or counselor, or having regular honest conversations with your partner, there are huge benefits:
- you become a better version of yourself by practicing new skills and qualities (like reliability, humility, and empathetic listening)
- your partnership becomes a source of strength for every aspect of your life (great sex isn’t the only benefit!)
- you avoid the health risks of negative relationships
If you’re surviving in your relationship because it seems too time consuming or impossible to find consistent satisfaction with your partner, read on.
I hope this article gives you the inspiration and the tools to create a life-giving relationship that supports your happiness and growth!
Why is relationship work so challenging?
Your need for safe emotional connection is hardwired into your DNA. According to attachment theory, we as humans learn at an early age to seek refuge with people we trust during challenging times.
The fact that we need each other so much means we’re easily triggered when our emotional connection is threatened. Your love relationship will naturally activate your deepest fears and rub your most painful wounds.
That’s why it’s normal to have relationship issues. Anyone who’s actively engaged in their relationship has relationship issues!
The fact is, denying that you are angry, resentful, and afraid is more harmful in the longterm than expressing it.
“We learn to “act nice” and deny that we are angry, and we make ourselves sick in the process of denial. This is one of the main areas in which something we can’t tell the truth about ruins our lives.”
― Brad Blanton, Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth
A key part of relationship work is practicing healthy assertiveness and honesty. When you’re honest about how you feel, you release a wellspring of energy. The energy that you were using to avoid pain becomes available to create something new in your life.
Your relationship is the perfect context for deep personal growth. As you confront your deep fears, and emotions you understand yourself better. You come to know your dark side, so you can consciously choose to practice living in the light.
Surprising benefits of a fulfilling relationship
A healthy relationship will bring you more than just happiness with your partner!
Positive loving connections protect us from stress and help us cope with life’s challenges. Your relationship with your significant other is especially important to bolster you during the natural ups and downs of life.
- You’ll have more confidence
Studies by Dr. Mario Mikulincer show that individuals in secure relationships understand themselves better and like themselves more. When you have positive connections, you’re more likely to remember your positive traits, and still feel good about yourself even when confronted with your weak points.
2. You’ll take more risks
Mikulincer also found that securely bonded adults are more curious and open to new information. And according to Dr. Sue Johnson in Hold Me Tight, “couples who feel secure in their relationships feel more confident about taking risks when they know their lover has their back.”
That means it’s easier for you to ask for the salary increase, network with an influential peer at your firm, or follow your dream to start a business.
3. You manage stress better
People who report having a secure emotional attachment are less anxious and have fewer physical problems in dangerous situations, like war-time missile attacks, than less-connected couples.
Holding hands with a loving partner can literally calm your nerves. In a study by Dr. James Coan, partners registered less stress and pain in brain scans when undergoing electric shocks — when their partners held their hands. The stronger the relationship, the stronger the positive impact. Wow!
4. You’re more likely to achieve your goals
According to Dr. Sue Johnson, “The more we can reach out to our partners, the more separate and independent we can be.”
In her book, Hold Me Tight, she cites a study by psychologist Brooke Feeney that found people who were “accepted by their partners were more confident about solving problems on their own and were more likely to successfully achieve their own goals.”
Rocky relationships negatively impact your health
If positive loving connections are so good for us, it comes as no surprise that when you don’t have good relationships, your health may suffer.
- Research shows that marital conflict directly leads to increases in depression.
- A bad marriage can exacerbate high blood pressure and the stress of hostile relationships increases the risk of heart disease.
- After couples fight, the more contempt couples feel for each other, the higher the level of stress hormones in the blood, and the more depressed the immune system. A nasty fight with your significant other can even delay healing of physical wounds!
Relationship work is not for the faint of heart, though anyone can develop the capacity for it. You must be open enough to look at yourself honestly, courageous enough to address painful patterns, and loving enough to forgive.
As with any worthwhile pursuit, practice makes progress!
Steps you can take to strengthen your relationship
Are you ready to stop settling and surviving in your relationship? If you’re reading this, you can create a partnership that fills you up and gives you energy. All the power is in your hands.
Here are a few actions you could take. What inspires you most?
- Read a book: I’d recommend The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey to study living and loving proactively, especially the Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood. Hold Me Tight, by Dr. Sue Johnson, is a fantastic workbook for couples to understand the harmful patterns that partners fall into, and to change the conversation for the better. The Five Love Languages, by Dr. Gary Chapman shows you how to keep your “love tank” full.
- Learn about attachment styles. If you or your partner don’t naturally have a secure attachment style, seek therapy to become more secure.
- Create a vision for your relationship. Write a short description of how you want your relationship to feel, what experiences you want to have together, and the kind of person you want to be for your partner. If you’re not sure about your vision, talk to a coach.
It’s time to start investing consistently and consciously in your relationship.
According to Johnson, “a stable, loving relationship is the absolute cornerstone of human happiness and general well-being.” Wouldn’t you agree?
When you’re securely connected with your partner, you can more easily weather the storms of life and achieve your goals.
Let’s create more love in the world, and become better versions of ourselves in the process.
Who’s with me?
