The #1 relationship superpower and how to practice it
“If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” -Dr. Stephen R. Covey
In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey writes about listening in Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood.
He starts by sharing the four levels of listening:
- Ignoring the other person or pretending to listen (“sure…uh-huh…yeah….”)
2. Selective listening (when someone is going on and on…and on…and on…)
3. Attentive listening (paying attention to the words being said)
4. Empathetic listening
Let’s talk about the fourth level, because empathetic listening is your relationship superpower.
Empathetic listening is when you listen to understand the other person’s thoughts, emotions, and needs.
You have no intention to share your opinion, control, or manipulate. Your agenda is to understand.
Empathetic listening is tuning in with your ears, eyes, and heart.
Although the popular theory that only 7% of our communication is transferred through words has been criticized, it’s clear that as humans we gain plenty of information from non-verbal signals.
That’s exactly what training this relational superpower allows you to do: become conscious of what’s underneath a person’s words.
When you’re listening empathetically, you’re actively observing the other person’s tone, face, and body language for meaning. Then you confirm what you’re getting by asking questions.
Empathetic listening is deeply therapeutic and healing because we all have a deep human need to be understood.
In fact, Covey states that truly understanding someone is like allowing them to breathe—when you listen and show you understand, you give the person “psychological air.”
Can you relate to the feeling of desperation when you’re trying to communicate something important to someone who just doesn’t get it? I certainly can. When this fundamental need isn’t met it feels like gasping for air.
It turns out, once the person you’re listening to is no longer fighting for breath—when they can feel you understand them, they will be much more open to creating a mutually beneficial solution to the issue you’re discussing.
With a true and deep understanding of the other person, you’ll be able to work together to find creative solutions that may not have been accessible otherwise.
Leveling up your listening is a life-long process, but you can take proactive action to get started right away. Just doing the exercise below can create a beautiful connection with the person lucky enough to practice with you.
How to practice empathetic listening:
- Find someone you know and trust.
- Let them know what you’re up to. Say, “I want to practice empathetic listening with you. Can we talk about something important going on in your life?”
- Tell them you want their feedback. Say, “When the conversation is over, I’d like to know how you feel, and especially whether or not you feel that I truly understood you.”
- During the conversation, let your natural curiosity guide you. Ask a lot of questions. See what you can discover about this person.
- After the conversation is over, ask them whether they feel understood. You can even get them to rate you on a scale from 0–10. Getting feedback will help you improve.
Practicing empathetic listening takes time and patience, but it’s well worth it.
Even Stephen Covey said seeking to understand before seeking to be understood was always the hardest habit for him to master!
It might feel awkward at first. It might feel inefficient, like you’re wasting your time. But once you understand the emotional root of an issue through empathetic listening, you’re more likely to solve the problem once and for all.
It’s truly worth the time and practice for creating incredible relationships and achieving your goals with others.
