Understanding this key life distinction gives you superpowers

Imagine waking up every day and knowing that you have the power to achieve your biggest dreams.

The truth is, you do have that power.

The question is, are you aware of it?

The awareness of your own power comes from understanding the crucial distinction:

being a victim of life vs. being responsible for your life

Being responsible for your life gives you the power to achieve your goals.

Because in responsibility you’re more powerful than your circumstances.

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey covers responsibility in the very first habit: Be Proactive. He defines proactivity as “being responsible for our own lives…our behaviour is a function of our own decisions, not our conditions.”

Everyone has conditions and circumstances.

Beyonce has circumstances.

Bill Gates has circumstances.

Oprah has circumstances.

Your biggest role model has circumstances.

The difference between achieving success and feeling unfulfilled is: being more powerful than your circumstances, versus letting your circumstances dictate how you feel and act.

That said, it’s crucial to recognise that as human beings, we cannot be in responsibility all the time. Life is an ongoing dance between victim state and responsibility state.

Being in victim is not a bad thing.

It’s not wrong.

It just doesn’t serve your vision.

The faster you can recognise where you are ( am I taking responsibility for my life right now? Or am I letting external circumstances dictate?), the faster you can shift, and choose a possibility that serves you.

The key isn’t to avoid being a victim.

Or to punish yourself if you find yourself there.

The key is to learn to recognise it, and to shift into a place of responsibility.

Again, and again, and again.

How do you know if you’re taking responsibility for your life, or if you’re being a victim to your circumstances?

Here are a few clues to know if you’re in victim mode.

Being in victim feels like:

+distraction

+resentment

+judgement

+powerlessness

+passivity

+helplessness

+overwhelm

+doubt

Victim behaviours can include:

+mindless scrolling

+gossiping

+procrastinating

+blaming others

+snoozing your alarm

+road rage

+worrying

+comparing yourself to others

+binge watching TV

+binge eating

Victim thoughts are:

+I’m not good enough

+I’ll never make it

+She doesn’t want to talk to me

+If only he would treat me well, then I’d feel better

+Who am I to write that article?

+What do I know?

+I’ll start tomorrow…

+It’s his fault I can’t wake up on time

+I can’t resist chocolate when it’s right in front of me

+It’s impossible

+I’m too old / young / skinny / fat…

Generally, when you’re in victim mode, you don’t feel so good. You’re not empowered.

But there are some tradeoffs-some ways that being in victim serves you. Otherwise you wouldn’t spend time there!

The “benefits” of staying in victim:

+you stay safe, you don’t have to take a risk

+you’re in your “familiar zone” (also known as the not-so-comfortable “comfort zone”)

+you don’t have to recognise your own role in creating a negative situation

+you can be in auto-pilot

You might take two minutes to reflect on what being a victim looks like specifically for you, so that you can recognise it. No-judgement here, only awareness. This awareness is crucial to be able to shift back into responsibility.

What are your victim feelings?

What are your victim behaviours?

What are your victim thoughts?

What are your victim benefits?

***

Now that you’re clear on victim, let’s get clear on responsibility.

Being in responsibility feels like:

+focus

+freedom

+confidence

+trusting yourself

+worthiness

+appreciation

+detachment

+clarity

+power

Responsible behaviours can include:

+making decisions according to your values

+setting your intention

+taking committed action on your priorities

+taking care of your physical health (getting enough rest, eating healthy food, and exercising)

+keeping your promises to yourself

+being on time

+recognising and communicating your needs

+being afraid, and doing it anyway

+apologising when you make a mistake

+taking the time to acknowledge yourself and others for successes

Responsible thoughts are:

+I can do it

+I created this

+I’m not there yet, but I’m getting there

+I’m up to the challenge

+I’ll do this, because it’s in alignment with my values

+I’ll say no to that, because it’s not in alignment with my values

+It’s scary, but I’ll do it anyway

+I’m all in, no matter what

+I’m grateful for this opportunity

+If she can do it, so can I

+I’m truly happy for him

Generally, when you’re in responsibility, you feel empowered, because you’re in alignment with your integrity, your truth, and your needs.

Now, take two minutes to reflect on areas in your life where you feel in responsibility.

What are your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that are working to get the results you want?

What are your responsible feelings, thoughts, and behaviours?

***

To close, I’ll share a short story about a moment when I realised I was in victim mode, and how I shifted myself out of it:

My husband, Marco, and I were dancing tango, and we got out of sync for a few steps. We lost our connection, and the dance wasn’t flowing. My knee-jerk thoughts were, “he hasn’t been practicing enough. He shouldn’t have led that step. He’s making us look bad.”

Victim. Victim. Victim.

Then I recognised the voice in my head.

And I said, “Wait a minute! It’s up to ME to dance how I want to dance. We’re dancing together, but I’m not dependent on him to dance my best. I can give my own energy to each step. I control my own movements and my own balance. I can express myself to the music!”

Responsibility.

After that, I didn’t waste any energy complaining to myself about him. I refocused on the present moment, and made it my intention to express myself and enjoy dancing with my husband. (What an incredible gift to be able to dance tango with my dear husband!)

Of course, we then reconnected and danced with fluidity and ease.

Amazing how a small mindset shift can be so powerful.

I’d love to hear from you. What’s your experience with this concept? What came up for you during the exercises?

Comment to let me know!

Originally published at https://www.linkedin.com.